Warning – this may be a long read but it’s been a long process!!!!
I have felt every emotional during these years from extreme happiness to the lowest of lows. I suffered silently at work while 10 of my coworkers were pregnant at the same time. My social media feeds seemed to be solely composed of pregnancy announcements. I had changed as a person and my relationship with my husband and stepchildren and everyone else suffered. This journey has made me stronger and shown me what kind of resilient person I am and I only hope I can get back to the real me. A BFP isn’t going to make everything better as having a child will present its own challenges but I hope it’s a positive start in making me whole again.
I had tried for 3½ years with no luck, never a hint of a second line on a test. I went through a lot of testing from ultrasounds to a HSG. I was diagnosed with a thyroid problem and high prolactin but both were controlled with medication. The only issue DH had was low motility. I had spent most of 2014 year not trying as I was so frustrated with it all. When I went and saw my RE that fall, he sent me to have two more ultrasounds in order to see if I had any uterine abnormalities. They were able to see some possible issues so I needed to have a hysteroscopy in January 2015 for further investigation. The procedure went off without a hitch and they were able to determine that I did have 1 polyp, which was subsequently removed. My uterine shape and structure were normal. As I was on birth control two months prior and two weeks after the procedure I didn’t know what to expect. I spotted for 5 days after my procedure and then AF came for 7 more days. However, I had signs that it was light and that the polyp may have really been an issue. My first cycle (February) was 30 days, which was amazing after consistently having 25 day cycles.
My March cycle started as normal, AF seemed to be not heavy at all but I was shocked with I had EWCM at CD 11, which was very early for me. I was so surprised that I didn’t try hard to initiate anything with DH. Three years of TTC had vastly impacted our romantic life and we were being intimate less and less. We managed to BD but about 3-4 days after my first signs of EWCM, which for me is usually outside of the fertile period.
I hadn’t felt anything weird and continued to get the normal post ovulation cramping I get a week before AF. I thought I would have another 30 day cycle so I didn’t read into anything. I noticed increased hunger 3-4 days ago, which is somewhat odd in that I don’t eat a lot. I knew AF was supposed to be here anytime so I didn’t care. I was prepared to move to the next cycle and possibly IUI. Yesterday, I was having tummy issues and some weird sensations coupled with needing to go to the potty several times. I also felt like I was going to vomit several times. I still passed it off as PMS symptoms. I decided to take an OPK to humor myself when I got home. It was positive immediately. That was strange as I often use an OPK prior to AF and it’s always super negative with barely a line. This thing was more positive than my normal OPK. After encouragement from my friend, I went to the store, picked up a HPT. After I took the test, I laid it on the floor and went to get up to change my clothes. Before I could even stand, it showed a dark, second line. NO WAY! I put it on the counter and watched it process. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This had to be a dud! I yelled from the bathroom at DH that there was no way this could be real. I was in shock. I refused to believe it.
I took another test early, early this morning – another positive – and then a digital this morning, in additional to another test after that. ALL POSITIVES, dark positives too! I am in utter and complete shock. I hadn’t quite given up but I was over it all. We only were intimate once during my cycle, ONCE! I know it’s all it takes but it was unlikely given his motility. I wasn’t feeling out of the ordinary, no implantation bleeding, nothing! Everything I was experiencing was essentially PMS symptoms – sore bbs, breakouts on my face, and upset stomach. I realized that I am about 17DPO so it’s quite possible that I could have gotten a positive test last week on my birthday!
I had blood drawn today to get an official confirmation from my doctor. I can’t believe I am writing this! I am going to try to be calm and be reassured that everything will proceed as normal.
Did I completely not try this cycle? No, I tried a bit.
Had I given up in a sense? Just a little.
Was I relaxed? Heck no! I was as stressed as I always am, not saying it’s a high level just stressed with work and family.
Do things like this sometimes happen when you don’t expect them? Of course.
I’m not out of the woods. Who knows what the next few weeks hold. Even if this isn’t a sticky bean, I can actually, finally say it’s possible to get pregnant. That’s all I’ve wanted to know this whole time!
When you are pissed off thinking life is unfair, you have every right. Don’t let anyone ever minimize your emotions or make you feel your TTC story isn’t worthwhile. I got tired of feeling guilty for complaining about my situation but it sucked! It was hard to overcome the jealously I had for others but it went away. There is no right, there is no wrong. Just follow what your mind and heart are telling you, Be true to yourself!
(sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, still trying to process this all!)